ENTER THE U.S. POLITICS ONLINE DISCUSSION FORUM
Note: The text below is in the public domain. This text is offered to the general public for non-profit educational purposes. U.S. Politics Online does not own any copyrights pertaining to the text. Any copyrights that may exist as to the format, translation, etc., resides with the respective author/formatter, not U.S. Politics Online. U.S. Politics Online did convert the original text file into html. Any errors with respect to formatting is a result of a program used to automate the process.
Due to the requirements for redistribution of this text by some of the sources, the original source from which I obtained the text at times will not be disclosed. If you would like information with respect to where I obtained the text then please send me an e-mail: archives@uspoliticsonline.com. Such sources are not liable in any way for the text here. I would simply provide you with information where you can find the original text of the document, which may or may not be identical to what you see here. I have made every attempt to comply with the wishes of the sources of these documents. If an error is found with respect to such compliance then please bring it to my attention immediately so the matter can be resolved.
Also, if you are the person responsible for converting the text to the electronic format and would like credit for your work in the document, please e-mail me and I would be more than happy to comply. Due to my conversion of these text documents into the html format and the possibility for errors to occur in said conversion, I did not want to inadvertently attribute such errors to you.
MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
DON PEDRO prince of Arragon. DON JOHN his bastard brother. CLAUDIO a young lord of Florence. BENEDICK a young lord of Padua.
BALTHASAR attendant on Don Pedro.
BORACHIO | FRIAR FRANCIS: DOGBERRY a constable.
HERO daughter to Leonato.
BEATRICE niece to Leonato.
MARGARET |
| gentlewomen attending on Hero.
URSULA |
Messengers, Watch, Attendants, &c. (Lord:) (Messenger:)
(Watchman:)
(First Watchman:)
(Second Watchman:)
MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING
[Enter LEONATO, HERO, and BEATRICE, with a
Messenger]
Messenger He is very near by this: he was not three leagues off
when I left him.
LEONATO How many gentlemen have you lost in this action?
Messenger But few of any sort, and none of name.
Messenger Much deserved on his part and equally remembered by
Don Pedro: he hath borne himself beyond the
promise of his age, doing, in the figure of a lamb,
the feats of a lion: he hath indeed better
bettered expectation than you must expect of me to
tell you how.
Messenger I have already delivered him letters, and there
appears much joy in him; even so much that joy could
not show itself modest enough without a badge of
bitterness.
LEONATO Did he break out into tears?
Messenger In great measure.
BEATRICE I pray you, is Signior Mountanto returned from the
wars or no?
Messenger I know none of that name, lady: there was none such
in the army of any sort.
LEONATO What is he that you ask for, niece?
HERO My cousin means Signior Benedick of Padua.
Messenger O, he's returned; and as pleasant as ever he was.
BEATRICE He set up his bills here in Messina and challenged
Cupid at the flight; and my uncle's fool, reading
the challenge, subscribed for Cupid, and challenged
him at the bird-bolt. I pray you, how many hath he
killed and eaten in these wars? But how many hath
he killed? for indeed I promised to eat all of his killing.
Messenger He hath done good service, lady, in these wars.
BEATRICE You had musty victual, and he hath holp to eat it:
he is a very valiant trencherman; he hath an
excellent stomach.
Messenger And a good soldier too, lady.
BEATRICE And a good soldier to a lady: but what is he to a lord?
Messenger A lord to a lord, a man to a man; stuffed with all
honourable virtues.
BEATRICE It is so, indeed; he is no less than a stuffed man:
but for the stuffing,--well, we are all mortal.
BEATRICE Alas! he gets nothing by that. In our last
conflict four of his five wits went halting off, and
now is the whole man governed with one: so that if
he have wit enough to keep himself warm, let him
bear it for a difference between himself and his
horse; for it is all the wealth that he hath left, to be known a reasonable creature. Who is his companion now? He hath every month a new sworn brother.
Messenger Is't possible?
BEATRICE Very easily possible: he wears his faith but as
the fashion of his hat; it ever changes with the
next block.
Messenger I see, lady, the gentleman is not in your books.
BEATRICE No; an he were, I would burn my study. But, I pray
you, who is his companion? Is there no young
squarer now that will make a voyage with him to the devil?
Messenger He is most in the company of the right noble Claudio.
BEATRICE O Lord, he will hang upon him like a disease: he
is sooner caught than the pestilence, and the taker
runs presently mad. God help the noble Claudio! if
he have caught the Benedick, it will cost him a
thousand pound ere a' be cured.
Messenger I will hold friends with you, lady.
BEATRICE Do, good friend.
LEONATO You will never run mad, niece.
BEATRICE No, not till a hot January.
Messenger Don Pedro is approached.
[Enter DON PEDRO, DON JOHN, CLAUDIO, BENEDICK, and BALTHASAR]
DON PEDRO Good Signior Leonato, you are come to meet your
trouble: the fashion of the world is to avoid
cost, and you encounter it.
DON PEDRO You embrace your charge too willingly. I think this
is your daughter.
LEONATO Her mother hath many times told me so.
BENEDICK Were you in doubt, sir, that you asked her?
LEONATO Signior Benedick, no; for then were you a child.
DON PEDRO You have it full, Benedick: we may guess by this
what you are, being a man. Truly, the lady fathers
herself. Be happy, lady; for you are like an
honourable father.
BENEDICK If Signior Leonato be her father, she would not
have his head on her shoulders for all Messina, as
like him as she is.
BEATRICE I wonder that you will still be talking, Signior
Benedick: nobody marks you.
BENEDICK What, my dear Lady Disdain! are you yet living?
BEATRICE Is it possible disdain should die while she hath
such meet food to feed it as Signior Benedick?
Courtesy itself must convert to disdain, if you come
in her presence.
BENEDICK Then is courtesy a turncoat. But it is certain I
am loved of all ladies, only you excepted: and I
would I could find in my heart that I had not a hard
heart; for, truly, I love none.
BEATRICE A dear happiness to women: they would else have
been troubled with a pernicious suitor. I thank God
and my cold blood, I am of your humour for that: I
had rather hear my dog bark at a crow than a man
swear he loves me.
BENEDICK God keep your ladyship still in that mind! so some
gentleman or other shall 'scape a predestinate
scratched face.
BEATRICE Scratching could not make it worse, an 'twere such
a face as yours were.
BENEDICK Well, you are a rare parrot-teacher.
BEATRICE A bird of my tongue is better than a beast of yours.
BENEDICK I would my horse had the speed of your tongue, and
so good a continuer. But keep your way, i' God's
name; I have done.
BEATRICE You always end with a jade's trick: I know you of old.
DON PEDRO That is the sum of all, Leonato. Signior Claudio
and Signior Benedick, my dear friend Leonato hath
invited you all. I tell him we shall stay here at
the least a month; and he heartily prays some
occasion may detain us longer. I dare swear he is no
hypocrite, but prays from his heart.
[To DON JOHN]
Let me bid you welcome, my lord: being reconciled to the prince your brother, I owe you all duty.
DON JOHN I thank you: I am not of many words, but I thank
you.
LEONATO Please it your grace lead on?
DON PEDRO Your hand, Leonato; we will go together.
[Exeunt all except BENEDICK and CLAUDIO]
BENEDICK I noted her not; but I looked on her.
CLAUDIO Is she not a modest young lady?
BENEDICK Do you question me, as an honest man should do, for
my simple true judgment; or would you have me speak
after my custom, as being a professed tyrant to their sex?
CLAUDIO No; I pray thee speak in sober judgment.
BENEDICK Why, i' faith, methinks she's too low for a high
praise, too brown for a fair praise and too little
for a great praise: only this commendation I can
afford her, that were she other than she is, she
were unhandsome; and being no other but as she is, I
do not like her.
BENEDICK Would you buy her, that you inquire after her?
CLAUDIO Can the world buy such a jewel?
BENEDICK Yea, and a case to put it into. But speak you this
with a sad brow? or do you play the flouting Jack,
to tell us Cupid is a good hare-finder and Vulcan a
rare carpenter? Come, in what key shall a man take
you, to go in the song?
BENEDICK I can see yet without spectacles and I see no such
matter: there's her cousin, an she were not
possessed with a fury, exceeds her as much in beauty
as the first of May doth the last of December. But I
hope you have no intent to turn husband, have you?
BENEDICK Is't come to this? In faith, hath not the world
one man but he will wear his cap with suspicion?
Shall I never see a bachelor of three-score again?
Go to, i' faith; an thou wilt needs thrust thy neck
into a yoke, wear the print of it and sigh away
Sundays. Look Don Pedro is returned to seek you.
[Re-enter DON PEDRO]
DON PEDRO What secret hath held you here, that you followed
not to Leonato's?
BENEDICK I would your grace would constrain me to tell.
DON PEDRO I charge thee on thy allegiance.
BENEDICK You hear, Count Claudio: I can be secret as a dumb
man; I would have you think so; but, on my
allegiance, mark you this, on my allegiance. He is
in love. With who? now that is your grace's part.
Mark how short his answer is;--With Hero, Leonato's
short daughter.
BENEDICK Like the old tale, my lord: 'it is not so, nor
'twas not so, but, indeed, God forbid it should be
so.'
DON PEDRO Amen, if you love her; for the lady is very well worthy.
CLAUDIO You speak this to fetch me in, my lord.
DON PEDRO By my troth, I speak my thought.
CLAUDIO And, in faith, my lord, I spoke mine.
BENEDICK And, by my two faiths and troths, my lord, I spoke mine.
CLAUDIO That I love her, I feel.
DON PEDRO That she is worthy, I know.
BENEDICK That I neither feel how she should be loved nor
know how she should be worthy, is the opinion that
fire cannot melt out of me: I will die in it at the stake.
DON PEDRO Thou wast ever an obstinate heretic in the despite
of beauty.
BENEDICK That a woman conceived me, I thank her; that she
brought me up, I likewise give her most humble
thanks: but that I will have a recheat winded in my
forehead, or hang my bugle in an invisible baldrick,
all women shall pardon me. Because I will not do
them the wrong to mistrust any, I will do myself the right to trust none; and the fine is, for the which I may go the finer, I will live a bachelor.
DON PEDRO I shall see thee, ere I die, look pale with love.
BENEDICK With anger, with sickness, or with hunger, my lord,
not with love: prove that ever I lose more blood
with love than I will get again with drinking, pick
out mine eyes with a ballad-maker's pen and hang me
up at the door of a brothel-house for the sign of
blind Cupid.
DON PEDRO Well, if ever thou dost fall from this faith, thou
wilt prove a notable argument.
BENEDICK If I do, hang me in a bottle like a cat and shoot
at me; and he that hits me, let him be clapped on
the shoulder, and called Adam.
DON PEDRO Well, as time shall try: 'In time the savage bull
doth bear the yoke.'
BENEDICK The savage bull may; but if ever the sensible
Benedick bear it, pluck off the bull's horns and set
them in my forehead: and let me be vilely painted,
and in such great letters as they write 'Here is
good horse to hire,' let them signify under my sign
'Here you may see Benedick the married man.'
DON PEDRO Nay, if Cupid have not spent all his quiver in
Venice, thou wilt quake for this shortly.
BENEDICK I look for an earthquake too, then.
DON PEDRO Well, you temporize with the hours. In the
meantime, good Signior Benedick, repair to
Leonato's: commend me to him and tell him I will
not fail him at supper; for indeed he hath made
great preparation.
BENEDICK I have almost matter enough in me for such an
embassage; and so I commit you--
CLAUDIO To the tuition of God: From my house, if I had it,--
DON PEDRO The sixth of July: Your loving friend, Benedick.
BENEDICK Nay, mock not, mock not. The body of your
discourse is sometime guarded with fragments, and
the guards are but slightly basted on neither: ere
you flout old ends any further, examine your
conscience: and so I leave you.
[Exit]
DON PEDRO My love is thine to teach: teach it but how,
And thou shalt see how apt it is to learn
Any hard lesson that may do thee good.
CLAUDIO Hath Leonato any son, my lord?
DON PEDRO No child but Hero; she's his only heir.
Dost thou affect her, Claudio?
DON PEDRO Thou wilt be like a lover presently
And tire the hearer with a book of words.
If thou dost love fair Hero, cherish it,
And I will break with her and with her father,
And thou shalt have her. Was't not to this end
That thou began'st to twist so fine a story?
DON PEDRO What need the bridge much broader than the flood?
The fairest grant is the necessity.
Look, what will serve is fit: 'tis once, thou lovest,
And I will fit thee with the remedy.
I know we shall have revelling to-night:
I will assume thy part in some disguise
And tell fair Hero I am Claudio,
And in her bosom I'll unclasp my heart
And take her hearing prisoner with the force And strong encounter of my amorous tale:
Then after to her father will I break;
And the conclusion is, she shall be thine.
In practise let us put it presently.
[Exeunt]
MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING
SCENE II A room in LEONATO's house.
[Enter LEONATO and ANTONIO, meeting]
[Enter Attendants]
Cousins, you know what you have to do. O, I cry you mercy, friend; go you with me, and I will use your skill. Good cousin, have a care this busy time.
[Exeunt]
MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING
SCENE III The same.
[Enter DON JOHN and CONRADE]
DON JOHN There is no measure in the occasion that breeds;
therefore the sadness is without limit.
CONRADE You should hear reason.
DON JOHN And when I have heard it, what blessing brings it?
DON JOHN I wonder that thou, being, as thou sayest thou art,
born under Saturn, goest about to apply a moral
medicine to a mortifying mischief. I cannot hide
what I am: I must be sad when I have cause and smile
at no man's jests, eat when I have stomach and wait
for no man's leisure, sleep when I am drowsy and tend on no man's business, laugh when I am merry and claw no man in his humour.
DON JOHN I had rather be a canker in a hedge than a rose in
his grace, and it better fits my blood to be
disdained of all than to fashion a carriage to rob
love from any: in this, though I cannot be said to
be a flattering honest man, it must not be denied
but I am a plain-dealing villain. I am trusted with a muzzle and enfranchised with a clog; therefore I have decreed not to sing in my cage. If I had my mouth, I would bite; if I had my liberty, I would do my liking: in the meantime let me be that I am and seek not to alter me.
DON JOHN I make all use of it, for I use it only.
Who comes here?
[Enter BORACHIO]
What news, Borachio?
BORACHIO I came yonder from a great supper: the prince your
brother is royally entertained by Leonato: and I
can give you intelligence of an intended marriage.
DON JOHN Will it serve for any model to build mischief on?
What is he for a fool that betroths himself to
unquietness?
BORACHIO Marry, it is your brother's right hand.
DON JOHN Who? the most exquisite Claudio?
BORACHIO Even he.
DON JOHN A proper squire! And who, and who? which way looks
he?
BORACHIO Marry, on Hero, the daughter and heir of Leonato.
DON JOHN A very forward March-chick! How came you to this?
BORACHIO Being entertained for a perfumer, as I was smoking a
musty room, comes me the prince and Claudio, hand
in hand in sad conference: I whipt me behind the
arras; and there heard it agreed upon that the
prince should woo Hero for himself, and having
obtained her, give her to Count Claudio.
DON JOHN Come, come, let us thither: this may prove food to
my displeasure. That young start-up hath all the
glory of my overthrow: if I can cross him any way, I
bless myself every way. You are both sure, and will assist me?
CONRADE To the death, my lord.
DON JOHN Let us to the great supper: their cheer is the
greater that I am subdued. Would the cook were of
my mind! Shall we go prove what's to be done?
BORACHIO We'll wait upon your lordship.
[Exeunt]
MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING
[Enter LEONATO, ANTONIO, HERO, BEATRICE, and others]
BEATRICE How tartly that gentleman looks! I never can see
him but I am heart-burned an hour after.
HERO He is of a very melancholy disposition.
BEATRICE He were an excellent man that were made just in the
midway between him and Benedick: the one is too
like an image and says nothing, and the other too
like my lady's eldest son, evermore tattling.
BEATRICE With a good leg and a good foot, uncle, and money
enough in his purse, such a man would win any woman
in the world, if a' could get her good-will.
BEATRICE Too curst is more than curst: I shall lessen God's
sending that way; for it is said, 'God sends a curst
cow short horns;' but to a cow too curst he sends none.
LEONATO So, by being too curst, God will send you no horns.
BEATRICE Just, if he send me no husband; for the which
blessing I am at him upon my knees every morning and
evening. Lord, I could not endure a husband with a
beard on his face: I had rather lie in the woollen.
LEONATO You may light on a husband that hath no beard.
BEATRICE What should I do with him? dress him in my apparel
and make him my waiting-gentlewoman? He that hath a
beard is more than a youth, and he that hath no
beard is less than a man: and he that is more than
a youth is not for me, and he that is less than a
man, I am not for him: therefore, I will even take sixpence in earnest of the bear-ward, and lead his apes into hell.
BEATRICE No, but to the gate; and there will the devil meet
me, like an old cuckold, with horns on his head, and
say 'Get you to heaven, Beatrice, get you to
heaven; here's no place for you maids:' so deliver
I up my apes, and away to Saint Peter for the
heavens; he shows me where the bachelors sit, and there live we as merry as the day is long.
BEATRICE Yes, faith; it is my cousin's duty to make curtsy
and say 'Father, as it please you.' But yet for all
that, cousin, let him be a handsome fellow, or else
make another curtsy and say 'Father, as it please
me.'
LEONATO Well, niece, I hope to see you one day fitted with a husband.
BEATRICE Not till God make men of some other metal than
earth. Would it not grieve a woman to be
overmastered with a pierce of valiant dust? to make
an account of her life to a clod of wayward marl?
No, uncle, I'll none: Adam's sons are my brethren;
and, truly, I hold it a sin to match in my kindred.
BEATRICE The fault will be in the music, cousin, if you be
not wooed in good time: if the prince be too
important, tell him there is measure in every thing
and so dance out the answer. For, hear me, Hero:
wooing, wedding, and repenting, is as a Scotch jig,
a measure, and a cinque pace: the first suit is hot and hasty, like a Scotch jig, and full as
fantastical; the wedding, mannerly-modest, as a measure, full of state and ancientry; and then comes repentance and, with his bad legs, falls into the cinque pace faster and faster, till he sink into his grave.
BEATRICE I have a good eye, uncle; I can see a church by daylight.
[All put on their masks]
[Enter DON PEDRO, CLAUDIO, BENEDICK, BALTHASAR, DON JOHN, BORACHIO, MARGARET, URSULA and others, masked]
DON PEDRO Lady, will you walk about with your friend?
DON PEDRO With me in your company? HERO I may say so, when I please. DON PEDRO And when please you to say so?
DON PEDRO My visor is Philemon's roof; within the house is Jove. HERO Why, then, your visor should be thatched. DON PEDRO Speak low, if you speak love.
[Drawing her aside]
BALTHASAR Well, I would you did like me.
MARGARET So would not I, for your own sake; for I have many
ill-qualities.
BALTHASAR Which is one?
MARGARET I say my prayers aloud.
BALTHASAR I love you the better: the hearers may cry, Amen.
MARGARET God match me with a good dancer!
BALTHASAR Amen.
MARGARET And God keep him out of my sight when the dance is
done! Answer, clerk.
BALTHASAR No more words: the clerk is answered.
BEATRICE Will you not tell me who told you so?
BENEDICK No, you shall pardon me.
BEATRICE Nor will you not tell me who you are?
BENEDICK Not now.
BEATRICE That I was disdainful, and that I had my good wit
out of the 'Hundred Merry Tales:'--well this was
Signior Benedick that said so.
BENEDICK What's he?
BEATRICE I am sure you know him well enough.
BENEDICK Not I, believe me.
BEATRICE Did he never make you laugh?
BENEDICK I pray you, what is he?
BEATRICE Why, he is the prince's jester: a very dull fool;
only his gift is in devising impossible slanders:
none but libertines delight in him; and the
commendation is not in his wit, but in his villany;
for he both pleases men and angers them, and then
they laugh at him and beat him. I am sure he is in the fleet: I would he had boarded me.
BENEDICK When I know the gentleman, I'll tell him what you say.
BEATRICE Do, do: he'll but break a comparison or two on me;
which, peradventure not marked or not laughed at,
strikes him into melancholy; and then there's a
partridge wing saved, for the fool will eat no
supper that night.
[Music]
We must follow the leaders.
BENEDICK In every good thing.
BEATRICE Nay, if they lead to any ill, I will leave them at
the next turning.
[Dance. Then exeunt all except DON JOHN, BORACHIO, and CLAUDIO]
DON JOHN Sure my brother is amorous on Hero and hath
withdrawn her father to break with him about it.
The ladies follow her and but one visor remains.
BORACHIO And that is Claudio: I know him by his bearing.
DON JOHN Are not you Signior Benedick?
CLAUDIO You know me well; I am he.
DON JOHN Signior, you are very near my brother in his love:
he is enamoured on Hero; I pray you, dissuade him
from her: she is no equal for his birth: you may
do the part of an honest man in it.
CLAUDIO How know you he loves her?
DON JOHN I heard him swear his affection. BORACHIO So did I too; and he swore he would marry her to-night. DON JOHN Come, let us to the banquet.
[Exeunt DON JOHN and BORACHIO]
[Re-enter BENEDICK]
BENEDICK Count Claudio?
CLAUDIO Yea, the same.
BENEDICK Come, will you go with me?
CLAUDIO Whither?
BENEDICK Even to the next willow, about your own business,
county. What fashion will you wear the garland of?
about your neck, like an usurer's chain? or under
your arm, like a lieutenant's scarf? You must wear
it one way, for the prince hath got your Hero.
CLAUDIO I wish him joy of her.
BENEDICK Why, that's spoken like an honest drovier: so they
sell bullocks. But did you think the prince would
have served you thus?
CLAUDIO I pray you, leave me.
BENEDICK Ho! now you strike like the blind man: 'twas the
boy that stole your meat, and you'll beat the post.
CLAUDIO If it will not be, I'll leave you.
[Exit]
BENEDICK Alas, poor hurt fowl! now will he creep into sedges.
But that my Lady Beatrice should know me, and not
know me! The prince's fool! Ha? It may be I go
under that title because I am merry. Yea, but so I
am apt to do myself wrong; I am not so reputed: it
is the base, though bitter, disposition of Beatrice that puts the world into her person and so gives me out. Well, I'll be revenged as I may.
[Re-enter DON PEDRO]
DON PEDRO Now, signior, where's the count? did you see him?
BENEDICK Troth, my lord, I have played the part of Lady Fame.
I found him here as melancholy as a lodge in a
warren: I told him, and I think I told him true,
that your grace had got the good will of this young
lady; and I offered him my company to a willow-tree,
either to make him a garland, as being forsaken, or to bind him up a rod, as being worthy to be whipped.
DON PEDRO To be whipped! What's his fault?
BENEDICK The flat transgression of a schoolboy, who, being
overjoyed with finding a birds' nest, shows it his
companion, and he steals it.
DON PEDRO Wilt thou make a trust a transgression? The
transgression is in the stealer.
BENEDICK Yet it had not been amiss the rod had been made,
and the garland too; for the garland he might have
worn himself, and the rod he might have bestowed on
you, who, as I take it, have stolen his birds' nest.
DON PEDRO I will but teach them to sing, and restore them to
the owner.
BENEDICK If their singing answer your saying, by my faith,
you say honestly.
DON PEDRO The Lady Beatrice hath a quarrel to you: the
gentleman that danced with her told her she is much
wronged by you.
BENEDICK O, she misused me past the endurance of a block!
an oak but with one green leaf on it would have
answered her; my very visor began to assume life and
scold with her. She told me, not thinking I had been
myself, that I was the prince's jester, that I was
duller than a great thaw; huddling jest upon jest with such impossible conveyance upon me that I stood like a man at a mark, with a whole army shooting at me. She speaks poniards, and every word stabs: if her breath were as terrible as her terminations, there were no living near her; she would infect to the north star. I would not marry her, though she were endowed with all that Adam bad left him before he transgressed: she would have made Hercules have turned spit, yea, and have cleft his club to make the fire too. Come, talk not of her: you shall find her the infernal Ate in good apparel. I would to God some scholar would conjure her; for certainly, while she is here, a man may live as quiet in hell as in a sanctuary; and people sin upon purpose, because they would go thither; so, indeed, all disquiet, horror and perturbation follows her.
DON PEDRO Look, here she comes.
[Enter CLAUDIO, BEATRICE, HERO, and LEONATO]
BENEDICK Will your grace command me any service to the
world's end? I will go on the slightest errand now
to the Antipodes that you can devise to send me on;
I will fetch you a tooth-picker now from the
furthest inch of Asia, bring you the length of
Prester John's foot, fetch you a hair off the great Cham's beard, do you any embassage to the Pigmies, rather than hold three words' conference with this harpy. You have no employment for me?
DON PEDRO None, but to desire your good company.
BENEDICK O God, sir, here's a dish I love not: I cannot
endure my Lady Tongue.
[Exit]
DON PEDRO Come, lady, come; you have lost the heart of
Signior Benedick.
BEATRICE Indeed, my lord, he lent it me awhile; and I gave
him use for it, a double heart for his single one:
marry, once before he won it of me with false dice,
therefore your grace may well say I have lost it.
DON PEDRO You have put him down, lady, you have put him down.
BEATRICE So I would not he should do me, my lord, lest I
should prove the mother of fools. I have brought
Count Claudio, whom you sent me to seek.
DON PEDRO Why, how now, count! wherefore are you sad?
CLAUDIO Not sad, my lord.
DON PEDRO How then? sick?
CLAUDIO Neither, my lord.
BEATRICE The count is neither sad, nor sick, nor merry, nor
well; but civil count, civil as an orange, and
something of that jealous complexion.
DON PEDRO I' faith, lady, I think your blazon to be true;
though, I'll be sworn, if he be so, his conceit is
false. Here, Claudio, I have wooed in thy name, and
fair Hero is won: I have broke with her father,
and his good will obtained: name the day of
marriage, and God give thee joy!
BEATRICE Speak, count, 'tis your cue.
BEATRICE Speak, cousin; or, if you cannot, stop his mouth
with a kiss, and let not him speak neither.
DON PEDRO In faith, lady, you have a merry heart.
BEATRICE Yea, my lord; I thank it, poor fool, it keeps on
the windy side of care. My cousin tells him in his
ear that he is in her heart.
CLAUDIO And so she doth, cousin.
BEATRICE Good Lord, for alliance! Thus goes every one to the
world but I, and I am sunburnt; I may sit in a
corner and cry heigh-ho for a husband!
DON PEDRO Lady Beatrice, I will get you one.
BEATRICE I would rather have one of your father's getting.
Hath your grace ne'er a brother like you? Your
father got excellent husbands, if a maid could come by them.
DON PEDRO Will you have me, lady?
BEATRICE No, my lord, unless I might have another for
working-days: your grace is too costly to wear
every day. But, I beseech your grace, pardon me: I
was born to speak all mirth and no matter.
DON PEDRO Your silence most offends me, and to be merry best
becomes you; for, out of question, you were born in
a merry hour.
BEATRICE No, sure, my lord, my mother cried; but then there
was a star danced, and under that was I born.
Cousins, God give you joy!
LEONATO Niece, will you look to those things I told you of?
BEATRICE I cry you mercy, uncle. By your grace's pardon.
[Exit]
DON PEDRO By my troth, a pleasant-spirited lady.
DON PEDRO She cannot endure to hear tell of a husband. LEONATO O, by no means: she mocks all her wooers out of suit. DON PEDRO She were an excellent wife for Benedict.
DON PEDRO County Claudio, when mean you to go to church?
DON PEDRO Come, you shake the head at so long a breathing:
but, I warrant thee, Claudio, the time shall not go
dully by us. I will in the interim undertake one of
Hercules' labours; which is, to bring Signior
Benedick and the Lady Beatrice into a mountain of
affection the one with the other. I would fain have it a match, and I doubt not but to fashion it, if you three will but minister such assistance as I shall give you direction.
DON PEDRO And you too, gentle Hero?
DON PEDRO And Benedick is not the unhopefullest husband that
I know. Thus far can I praise him; he is of a noble
strain, of approved valour and confirmed honesty. I
will teach you how to humour your cousin, that she
shall fall in love with Benedick; and I, with your
two helps, will so practise on Benedick that, in despite of his quick wit and his queasy stomach, he shall fall in love with Beatrice. If we can do this, Cupid is no longer an archer: his glory shall be ours, for we are the only love-gods. Go in with me, and I will tell you my drift.
[Exeunt]
MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING
SCENE II The same.
[Enter DON JOHN and BORACHIO]
DON JOHN It is so; the Count Claudio shall marry the
daughter of Leonato.
BORACHIO Yea, my lord; but I can cross it.
DON JOHN Any bar, any cross, any impediment will be
medicinable to me: I am sick in displeasure to him,
and whatsoever comes athwart his affection ranges
evenly with mine. How canst thou cross this marriage?
BORACHIO Not honestly, my lord; but so covertly that no
dishonesty shall appear in me.
DON JOHN Show me briefly how.
BORACHIO I think I told your lordship a year since, how much
I am in the favour of Margaret, the waiting
gentlewoman to Hero.
DON JOHN I remember.
BORACHIO I can, at any unseasonable instant of the night,
appoint her to look out at her lady's chamber window.
DON JOHN What life is in that, to be the death of this marriage?
BORACHIO The poison of that lies in you to temper. Go you to
the prince your brother; spare not to tell him that
he hath wronged his honour in marrying the renowned
Claudio--whose estimation do you mightily hold
up--to a contaminated stale, such a one as Hero.
DON JOHN What proof shall I make of that?
BORACHIO Proof enough to misuse the prince, to vex Claudio,
to undo Hero and kill Leonato. Look you for any
other issue?
DON JOHN Only to despite them, I will endeavour any thing.
BORACHIO Go, then; find me a meet hour to draw Don Pedro and
the Count Claudio alone: tell them that you know
that Hero loves me; intend a kind of zeal both to the
prince and Claudio, as,--in love of your brother's
honour, who hath made this match, and his friend's
reputation, who is thus like to be cozened with the semblance of a maid,--that you have discovered thus. They will scarcely believe this without trial: offer them instances; which shall bear no less likelihood than to see me at her chamber-window, hear me call Margaret Hero, hear Margaret term me Claudio; and bring them to see this the very night before the intended wedding,--for in the meantime I will so fashion the matter that Hero shall be absent,--and there shall appear such seeming truth of Hero's disloyalty that jealousy shall be called assurance and all the preparation overthrown.
DON JOHN Grow this to what adverse issue it can, I will put
it in practise. Be cunning in the working this, and
thy fee is a thousand ducats.
BORACHIO Be you constant in the accusation, and my cunning
shall not shame me.
DON JOHN I will presently go learn their day of marriage.
[Exeunt]
MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING
SCENE III LEONATO'S orchard.
[Enter BENEDICK]
BENEDICK Boy!
[Enter Boy]
Boy Signior?
BENEDICK In my chamber-window lies a book: bring it hither
to me in the orchard.
Boy I am here already, sir.
BENEDICK I know that; but I would have thee hence, and here again.
[Exit Boy]
I do much wonder that one man, seeing how much another man is a fool when he dedicates his behaviors to love, will, after he hath laughed at such shallow follies in others, become the argument of his own scorn by failing in love: and such a man is Claudio. I have known when there was no music with him but the drum and the fife; and now had he rather hear the tabour and the pipe: I have known when he would have walked ten mile a-foot to see a good armour; and now will he lie ten nights awake, carving the fashion of a new doublet. He was wont to speak plain and to the purpose, like an honest man and a soldier; and now is he turned orthography; his words are a very fantastical banquet, just so many strange dishes. May I be so converted and see with these eyes? I cannot tell; I think not: I will not be sworn, but love may transform me to an oyster; but I'll take my oath on it, till he have made an oyster of me, he shall never make me such a fool. One woman is fair, yet I am well; another is wise, yet I am well; another virtuous, yet I am well; but till all graces be in one woman, one woman shall not come in my grace. Rich she shall be, that's certain; wise, or I'll none; virtuous, or I'll never cheapen her; fair, or I'll never look on her; mild, or come not near me; noble, or not I for an angel; of good discourse, an excellent musician, and her hair shall be of what colour it please God. Ha! the prince and Monsieur Love! I will hide me in the arbour.
[Withdraws]
[Enter DON PEDRO, CLAUDIO, and LEONATO]
DON PEDRO Come, shall we hear this music?
DON PEDRO See you where Benedick hath hid himself?
[Enter BALTHASAR with Music]
DON PEDRO Come, Balthasar, we'll hear that song again.
BALTHASAR O, good my lord, tax not so bad a voice
To slander music any more than once.
DON PEDRO It is the witness still of excellency
To put a strange face on his own perfection.
I pray thee, sing, and let me woo no more.
BALTHASAR Because you talk of wooing, I will sing;
Since many a wooer doth commence his suit
To her he thinks not worthy, yet he wooes,
Yet will he swear he loves.
DON PEDRO Now, pray thee, come;
Or, if thou wilt hold longer argument,
Do it in notes.
BALTHASAR Note this before my notes;
There's not a note of mine that's worth the noting.
DON PEDRO Why, these are very crotchets that he speaks;
Note, notes, forsooth, and nothing.
[Air]
BENEDICK Now, divine air! now is his soul ravished! Is it
not strange that sheeps' guts should hale souls out
of men's bodies? Well, a horn for my money, when
all's done.
[The Song]
BALTHASAR Sigh no more, ladies, sigh no more,
Men were deceivers ever,
One foot in sea and one on shore,
To one thing constant never:
Then sigh not so, but let them go,
And be you blithe and bonny,
Converting all your sounds of woe
Into Hey nonny, nonny.
Sing no more ditties, sing no moe,
Of dumps so dull and heavy;
The fraud of men was ever so,
Since summer first was leafy:
Then sigh not so, &c.
DON PEDRO By my troth, a good song.
BALTHASAR And an ill singer, my lord.
DON PEDRO Ha, no, no, faith; thou singest well enough for a shift.
BENEDICK An he had been a dog that should have howled thus,
they would have hanged him: and I pray God his bad
voice bode no mischief. I had as lief have heard the
night-raven, come what plague could have come after
it.
DON PEDRO Yea, marry, dost thou hear, Balthasar? I pray thee,
get us some excellent music; for to-morrow night we
would have it at the Lady Hero's chamber-window.
BALTHASAR The best I can, my lord.
DON PEDRO Do so: farewell.
[Exit BALTHASAR]
Come hither, Leonato. What was it you told me of to-day, that your niece Beatrice was in love with Signior Benedick?
BENEDICK Is't possible? Sits the wind in that corner?
DON PEDRO May be she doth but counterfeit.
DON PEDRO Why, what effects of passion shows she?
DON PEDRO How, how, pray you? You amaze me: I would have I
thought her spirit had been invincible against all
assaults of affection.
BENEDICK I should think this a gull, but that the
white-bearded fellow speaks it: knavery cannot,
sure, hide himself in such reverence.
CLAUDIO He hath ta'en the infection: hold it up.
DON PEDRO Hath she made her affection known to Benedick?
DON PEDRO It were good that Benedick knew of it by some
other, if she will not discover it.
DON PEDRO An he should, it were an alms to hang him. She's an
excellent sweet lady; and, out of all suspicion,
she is virtuous.
CLAUDIO And she is exceeding wise.
DON PEDRO In every thing but in loving Benedick.
DON PEDRO I would she had bestowed this dotage on me: I would
have daffed all other respects and made her half
myself. I pray you, tell Benedick of it, and hear
what a' will say.
LEONATO Were it good, think you?
DON PEDRO She doth well: if she should make tender of her
love, 'tis very possible he'll scorn it; for the
man, as you know all, hath a contemptible spirit.
CLAUDIO He is a very proper man.
DON PEDRO He hath indeed a good outward happiness.
CLAUDIO Before God! and, in my mind, very wise.
DON PEDRO He doth indeed show some sparks that are like wit.
CLAUDIO And I take him to be valiant.
DON PEDRO As Hector, I assure you: and in the managing of
quarrels you may say he is wise; for either he
avoids them with great discretion, or undertakes
them with a most Christian-like fear.
DON PEDRO And so will he do; for the man doth fear God,
howsoever it seems not in him by some large jests
he will make. Well I am sorry for your niece. Shall
we go seek Benedick, and tell him of her love?
DON PEDRO Well, we will hear further of it by your daughter:
let it cool the while. I love Benedick well; and I
could wish he would modestly examine himself, to see
how much he is unworthy so good a lady.
LEONATO My lord, will you walk? dinner is ready.
DON PEDRO Let there be the same net spread for her; and that
must your daughter and her gentlewomen carry. The
sport will be, when they hold one an opinion of
another's dotage, and no such matter: that's the
scene that I would see, which will be merely a
dumb-show. Let us send her to call him in to dinner.
[Exeunt DON PEDRO, CLAUDIO, and LEONATO]
BENEDICK [Coming forward] This can be no trick: the
conference was sadly borne. They have the truth of
this from Hero. They seem to pity the lady: it
seems her affections have their full bent. Love me!
why, it must be requited. I hear how I am censured:
they say I will bear myself proudly, if I perceive the love come from her; they say too that she will rather die than give any sign of affection. I did never think to marry: I must not seem proud: happy are they that hear their detractions and can put them to mending. They say the lady is fair; 'tis a truth, I can bear them witness; and virtuous; 'tis so, I cannot reprove it; and wise, but for loving me; by my troth, it is no addition to her wit, nor no great argument of her folly, for I will be horribly in love with her. I may chance have some odd quirks and remnants of wit broken on me, because I have railed so long against marriage: but doth not the appetite alter? a man loves the meat in his youth that he cannot endure in his age. Shall quips and sentences and these paper bullets of the brain awe a man from the career of his humour? No, the world must be peopled. When I said I would die a bachelor, I did not think I should live till I were married. Here comes Beatrice. By this day! she's a fair lady: I do spy some marks of love in her.
[Enter BEATRICE]
BEATRICE Against my will I am sent to bid you come in to dinner.
BENEDICK Fair Beatrice, I thank you for your pains.
BEATRICE I took no more pains for those thanks than you take
pains to thank me: if it had been painful, I would
not have come.
BENEDICK You take pleasure then in the message?
BEATRICE Yea, just so much as you may take upon a knife's
point and choke a daw withal. You have no stomach,
signior: fare you well.
[Exit]
BENEDICK Ha! 'Against my will I am sent to bid you come in
to dinner;' there's a double meaning in that 'I took
no more pains for those thanks than you took pains
to thank me.' that's as much as to say, Any pains
that I take for you is as easy as thanks. If I do
not take pity of her, I am a villain; if I do not love her, I am a Jew. I will go get her picture.
[Exit]
MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING
[Enter HERO, MARGARET, and URSULA]
MARGARET I'll make her come, I warrant you, presently.
[Exit]
[Enter BEATRICE, behind]
Now begin;
For look where Beatrice, like a lapwing, runs Close by the ground, to hear our conference.
[Approaching the bower]
No, truly, Ursula, she is too disdainful;
I know her spirits are as coy and wild
As haggerds of the rock.
[Exeunt HERO and URSULA]
BEATRICE [Coming forward]
What fire is in mine ears? Can this be true?
Stand I condemn'd for pride and scorn so much?
Contempt, farewell! and maiden pride, adieu!
No glory lives behind the back of such.
And, Benedick, love on; I will requite thee, Taming my wild heart to thy loving hand:
If thou dost love, my kindness shall incite thee To bind our loves up in a holy band;
For others say thou dost deserve, and I
Believe it better than reportingly.
[Exit]
MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING
SCENE II A room in LEONATO'S house
[Enter DON PEDRO, CLAUDIO, BENEDICK, and LEONATO]
DON PEDRO I do but stay till your marriage be consummate, and
then go I toward Arragon.
DON PEDRO Nay, that would be as great a soil in the new gloss
of your marriage as to show a child his new coat
and forbid him to wear it. I will only be bold
with Benedick for his company; for, from the crown
of his head to the sole of his foot, he is all
mirth: he hath twice or thrice cut Cupid's
bow-string and the little hangman dare not shoot at him; he hath a heart as sound as a bell and his tongue is the clapper, for what his heart thinks his tongue speaks.
BENEDICK Gallants, I am not as I have been.
LEONATO So say I methinks you are sadder.
CLAUDIO I hope he be in love.
DON PEDRO Hang him, truant! there's no true drop of blood in
him, to be truly touched with love: if he be sad,
he wants money.
BENEDICK I have the toothache.
DON PEDRO Draw it.
BENEDICK Hang it!
CLAUDIO You must hang it first, and draw it afterwards.
DON PEDRO What! sigh for the toothache?
LEONATO Where is but a humour or a worm.
BENEDICK Well, every one can master a grief but he that has
it.
CLAUDIO Yet say I, he is in love.
DON PEDRO There is no appearance of fancy in him, unless it be
a fancy that he hath to strange disguises; as, to be
a Dutchman today, a Frenchman to-morrow, or in the
shape of two countries at once, as, a German from
the waist downward, all slops, and a Spaniard from
the hip upward, no doublet. Unless he have a fancy to this foolery, as it appears he hath, he is no fool for fancy, as you would have it appear he is.
DON PEDRO Hath any man seen him at the barber's?
DON PEDRO Nay, a' rubs himself with civet: can you smell him
out by that?
CLAUDIO That's as much as to say, the sweet youth's in love.
DON PEDRO The greatest note of it is his melancholy.
CLAUDIO And when was he wont to wash his face?
DON PEDRO Yea, or to paint himself? for the which, I hear
what they say of him.
DON PEDRO Indeed, that tells a heavy tale for him: conclude,
conclude he is in love.
CLAUDIO Nay, but I know who loves him.
DON PEDRO That would I know too: I warrant, one that knows him not.
DON PEDRO She shall be buried with her face upwards.
BENEDICK Yet is this no charm for the toothache. Old
signior, walk aside with me: I have studied eight
or nine wise words to speak to you, which these
hobby-horses must not hear.
[Exeunt BENEDICK and LEONATO]
DON PEDRO For my life, to break with him about Beatrice.
[Enter DON JOHN]
DON JOHN My lord and brother, God save you!
DON PEDRO Good den, brother.
DON JOHN If your leisure served, I would speak with you.
DON PEDRO In private?
DON JOHN If it please you: yet Count Claudio may hear; for
what I would speak of concerns him.
DON PEDRO What's the matter?
DON JOHN [To CLAUDIO] Means your lordship to be married
to-morrow?
DON PEDRO You know he does.
DON JOHN I know not that, when he knows what I know.
CLAUDIO If there be any impediment, I pray you discover it.
DON JOHN You may think I love you not: let that appear
hereafter, and aim better at me by that I now will
manifest. For my brother, I think he holds you
well, and in dearness of heart hath holp to effect
your ensuing marriage;--surely suit ill spent and
labour ill bestowed.
DON PEDRO Why, what's the matter?
DON JOHN I came hither to tell you; and, circumstances
shortened, for she has been too long a talking of,
the lady is disloyal.
CLAUDIO Who, Hero?
DON PEDRO Even she; Leonato's Hero, your Hero, every man's Hero:
CLAUDIO Disloyal?
DON JOHN The word is too good to paint out her wickedness; I
could say she were worse: think you of a worse
title, and I will fit her to it. Wonder not till
further warrant: go but with me to-night, you shall
see her chamber-window entered, even the night
before her wedding-day: if you love her then, to-morrow wed her; but it would better fit your honour to change your mind.
DON PEDRO I will not think it.
DON JOHN If you dare not trust that you see, confess not
that you know: if you will follow me, I will show
you enough; and when you have seen more and heard
more, proceed accordingly.
DON PEDRO And, as I wooed for thee to obtain her, I will join
with thee to disgrace her.
DON JOHN I will disparage her no farther till you are my
witnesses: bear it coldly but till midnight, and
let the issue show itself.
DON PEDRO O day untowardly turned!
CLAUDIO O mischief strangely thwarting!
DON JOHN O plague right well prevented! so will you say when
you have seen the sequel.
[Exeunt]
MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING
SCENE III A street.
[Enter DOGBERRY and VERGES with the Watch]
DOGBERRY Are you good men and true?
DOGBERRY Nay, that were a punishment too good for them, if
they should have any allegiance in them, being
chosen for the prince's watch.
VERGES Well, give them their charge, neighbour Dogberry.
DOGBERRY First, who think you the most desertless man to be
constable?
First Watchman Hugh Otecake, sir, or George Seacole; for they can
write and read.
DOGBERRY Come hither, neighbour Seacole. God hath blessed
you with a good name: to be a well-favoured man is
the gift of fortune; but to write and read comes by nature.
Second Watchman Both which, master constable,--
DOGBERRY You have: I knew it would be your answer. Well,
for your favour, sir, why, give God thanks, and make
no boast of it; and for your writing and reading,
let that appear when there is no need of such
vanity. You are thought here to be the most
senseless and fit man for the constable of the watch; therefore bear you the lantern. This is your charge: you shall comprehend all vagrom men; you are to bid any man stand, in the prince's name.
DOGBERRY Why, then, take no note of him, but let him go; and
presently call the rest of the watch together and
thank God you are rid of a knave.
DOGBERRY True, and they are to meddle with none but the
prince's subjects. You shall also make no noise in
the streets; for, for the watch to babble and to
talk is most tolerable and not to be endured.
Watchman We will rather sleep than talk: we know what
belongs to a watch.
DOGBERRY Why, you speak like an ancient and most quiet
watchman; for I cannot see how sleeping should
offend: only, have a care that your bills be not
stolen. Well, you are to call at all the
ale-houses, and bid those that are drunk get them to bed.
Watchman How if they will not?
DOGBERRY Why, then, let them alone till they are sober: if
they make you not then the better answer, you may
say they are not the men you took them for.
Watchman Well, sir.
DOGBERRY If you meet a thief, you may suspect him, by virtue
of your office, to be no true man; and, for such
kind of men, the less you meddle or make with them,
why the more is for your honesty.
Watchman If we know him to be a thief, shall we not lay
hands on him?
DOGBERRY Truly, by your office, you may; but I think they
that touch pitch will be defiled: the most peaceable
way for you, if you do take a thief, is to let him
show himself what he is and steal out of your company.
VERGES You have been always called a merciful man, partner.
DOGBERRY Truly, I would not hang a dog by my will, much more
a man who hath any honesty in him.
Watchman How if the nurse be asleep and will not hear us?
DOGBERRY Why, then, depart in peace, and let the child wake
her with crying; for the ewe that will not hear her
lamb when it baes will never answer a calf when he bleats.
VERGES 'Tis very true.
DOGBERRY This is the end of the charge:--you, constable, are
to present the prince's own person: if you meet the
prince in the night, you may stay him.
VERGES Nay, by'r our lady, that I think a' cannot.
DOGBERRY Five shillings to one on't, with any man that knows
the statutes, he may stay him: marry, not without
the prince be willing; for, indeed, the watch ought
to offend no man; and it is an offence to stay a
man against his will.
VERGES By'r lady, I think it be so.
DOGBERRY Ha, ha, ha! Well, masters, good night: an there be
any matter of weight chances, call up me: keep your
fellows' counsels and your own; and good night.
Come, neighbour.
Watchman Well, masters, we hear our charge: let us go sit here
upon the church-bench till two, and then all to bed.
DOGBERRY One word more, honest neighbours. I pray you watch
about Signior Leonato's door; for the wedding being
there to-morrow, there is a great coil to-night.
Adieu: be vigitant, I beseech you.
[Exeunt DOGBERRY and VERGES]
[Enter BORACHIO and CONRADE]
BORACHIO What Conrade!
Watchman [Aside] Peace! stir not.
BORACHIO Conrade, I say!
CONRADE Here, man; I am at thy elbow.
BORACHIO Mass, and my elbow itched; I thought there would a
scab follow.
BORACHIO Stand thee close, then, under this pent-house, for
it drizzles rain; and I will, like a true drunkard,
utter all to thee.
Watchman [Aside] Some treason, masters: yet stand close.
BORACHIO Therefore know I have earned of Don John a thousand ducats.
CONRADE Is it possible that any villany should be so dear?
BORACHIO Thou shouldst rather ask if it were possible any
villany should be so rich; for when rich villains
have need of poor ones, poor ones may make what
price they will.
CONRADE I wonder at it.
BORACHIO That shows thou art unconfirmed. Thou knowest that
the fashion of a doublet, or a hat, or a cloak, is
nothing to a man.
CONRADE Yes, it is apparel.
BORACHIO I mean, the fashion.
CONRADE Yes, the fashion is the fashion.
BORACHIO Tush! I may as well say the fool's the fool. But
seest thou not what a deformed thief this fashion
is?
Watchman [Aside] I know that Deformed; a' has been a vile
thief this seven year; a' goes up and down like a
gentleman: I remember his name.
BORACHIO Didst thou not hear somebody?
CONRADE No; 'twas the vane on the house.
BORACHIO Seest thou not, I say, what a deformed thief this
fashion is? how giddily a' turns about all the hot
bloods between fourteen and five-and-thirty?
sometimes fashioning them like Pharaoh's soldiers
in the reeky painting, sometime like god Bel's
priests in the old church-window, sometime like the shaven Hercules in the smirched worm-eaten tapestry, where his codpiece seems as massy as his club?
BORACHIO Not so, neither: but know that I have to-night
wooed Margaret, the Lady Hero's gentlewoman, by the
name of Hero: she leans me out at her mistress'
chamber-window, bids me a thousand times good
night,--I tell this tale vilely:--I should first
tell thee how the prince, Claudio and my master, planted and placed and possessed by my master Don John, saw afar off in the orchard this amiable encounter.
BORACHIO Two of them did, the prince and Claudio; but the
devil my master knew she was Margaret; and partly
by his oaths, which first possessed them, partly by
the dark night, which did deceive them, but chiefly
by my villany, which did confirm any slander that
Don John had made, away went Claudio enraged; swore he would meet her, as he was appointed, next morning at the temple, and there, before the whole
congregation, shame her with what he saw o'er night and send her home again without a husband.
recovered the most dangerous piece of lechery that ever was known in the commonwealth.
wears a lock.
BORACHIO We are like to prove a goodly commodity, being taken
up of these men's bills.
CONRADE A commodity in question, I warrant you. Come, we'll obey you.
[Exeunt]
MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING
SCENE IV HERO's apartment.
[Enter HERO, MARGARET, and URSULA]
[Exit]
MARGARET Troth, I think your other rabato were better.
HERO No, pray thee, good Meg, I'll wear this.
MARGARET By my troth, 's not so good; and I warrant your
cousin will say so.
MARGARET I like the new tire within excellently, if the hair
were a thought browner; and your gown's a most rare
fashion, i' faith. I saw the Duchess of Milan's
gown that they praise so.
HERO O, that exceeds, they say.
MARGARET By my troth, 's but a night-gown in respect of
yours: cloth o' gold, and cuts, and laced with
silver, set with pearls, down sleeves, side sleeves,
and skirts, round underborne with a bluish tinsel:
but for a fine, quaint, graceful and excellent
fashion, yours is worth ten on 't.
MARGARET 'Twill be heavier soon by the weight of a man.
HERO Fie upon thee! art not ashamed?
MARGARET Of what, lady? of speaking honourably? Is not
marriage honourable in a beggar? Is not your lord
honourable without marriage? I think you would have
me say, 'saving your reverence, a husband:' and bad
thinking do not wrest true speaking, I'll offend
nobody: is there any harm in 'the heavier for a husband'? None, I think, and it be the right husband and the right wife; otherwise 'tis light, and not heavy: ask my Lady Beatrice else; here she comes.
[Enter BEATRICE]
HERO Good morrow, coz.
BEATRICE Good morrow, sweet Hero.
HERO Why how now? do you speak in the sick tune?
BEATRICE I am out of all other tune, methinks.
MARGARET Clap's into 'Light o' love;' that goes without a
burden: do you sing it, and I'll dance it.
BEATRICE Ye light o' love, with your heels! then, if your
husband have stables enough, you'll see he shall
lack no barns.
MARGARET O illegitimate construction! I scorn that with my heels.
BEATRICE 'Tis almost five o'clock, cousin; tis time you were
ready. By my troth, I am exceeding ill: heigh-ho!
MARGARET For a hawk, a horse, or a husband?
BEATRICE For the letter that begins them all, H.
MARGARET Well, and you be not turned Turk, there's no more
sailing by the star.
BEATRICE What means the fool, trow?
MARGARET Nothing I; but God send every one their heart's desire!
BEATRICE I am stuffed, cousin; I cannot smell.
MARGARET A maid, and stuffed! there's goodly catching of cold.
BEATRICE O, God help me! God help me! how long have you
professed apprehension?
MARGARET Even since you left it. Doth not my wit become me rarely?
BEATRICE It is not seen enough, you should wear it in your
cap. By my troth, I am sick.
MARGARET Get you some of this distilled Carduus Benedictus,
and lay it to your heart: it is the only thing for a qualm.
HERO There thou prickest her with a thistle.
BEATRICE Benedictus! why Benedictus? you have some moral in
this Benedictus.
MARGARET Moral! no, by my troth, I have no moral meaning; I
meant, plain holy-thistle. You may think perchance
that I think you are in love: nay, by'r lady, I am
not such a fool to think what I list, nor I list
not to think what I can, nor indeed I cannot think,
if I would think my heart out of thinking, that you are in love or that you will be in love or that you can be in love. Yet Benedick was such another, and now is he become a man: he swore he would never marry, and yet now, in despite of his heart, he eats his meat without grudging: and how you may be converted I know not, but methinks you look with your eyes as other women do.
BEATRICE What pace is this that thy tongue keeps? MARGARET Not a false gallop.
[Re-enter URSULA]
[Exeunt]
MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING
[Enter LEONATO, with DOGBERRY and VERGES]
DOGBERRY Marry, sir, I would have some confidence with you
that decerns you nearly.
LEONATO Brief, I pray you; for you see it is a busy time with me.
DOGBERRY Marry, this it is, sir.
DOGBERRY Goodman Verges, sir, speaks a little off the
matter: an old man, sir, and his wits are not so
blunt as, God help, I would desire they were; but,
in faith, honest as the skin between his brows.
DOGBERRY Comparisons are odorous: palabras, neighbour Verges.
LEONATO Neighbours, you are tedious.
DOGBERRY It pleases your worship to say so, but we are the
poor duke's officers; but truly, for mine own part,
if I were as tedious as a king, I could find it in
my heart to bestow it all of your worship.
LEONATO All thy tediousness on me, ah?
DOGBERRY Yea, an 'twere a thousand pound more than 'tis; for
I hear as good exclamation on your worship as of any
man in the city; and though I be but a poor man, I
am glad to hear it.
VERGES And so am I.
DOGBERRY A good old man, sir; he will be talking: as they
say, when the age is in, the wit is out: God help
us! it is a world to see. Well said, i' faith,
neighbour Verges: well, God's a good man; an two men
ride of a horse, one must ride behind. An honest
soul, i' faith, sir; by my troth he is, as ever broke bread; but God is to be worshipped; all men are not alike; alas, good neighbour!
DOGBERRY Gifts that God gives.
LEONATO I must leave you.
DOGBERRY One word, sir: our watch, sir, have indeed
comprehended two aspicious persons, and we would
have them this morning examined before your worship.
DOGBERRY It shall be suffigance.
[Enter a Messenger]
Messenger My lord, they stay for you to give your daughter to
her husband.
LEONATO I'll wait upon them: I am ready.
[Exeunt LEONATO and Messenger]
DOGBERRY Go, good partner, go, get you to Francis Seacole;
bid him bring his pen and inkhorn to the gaol: we
are now to examination these men.
VERGES And we must do it wisely.
DOGBERRY We will spare for no wit, I warrant you; here's
that shall drive some of them to a non-come: only
get the learned writer to set down our
excommunication and meet me at the gaol.
[Exeunt]
MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING
[Enter DON PEDRO, DON JOHN, LEONATO, FRIAR FRANCIS, CLAUDIO, BENEDICK, HERO, BEATRICE, and Attendants]
should not be conjoined, charge you, on your souls, to utter it.
BENEDICK How now! interjections? Why, then, some be of
laughing, as, ah, ha, he!
DON PEDRO Nothing, unless you render her again.
DON PEDRO What should I speak?
I stand dishonour'd, that have gone about
To link my dear friend to a common stale.
LEONATO Are these things spoken, or do I but dream?
DON JOHN Sir, they are spoken, and these things are true. BENEDICK This looks not like a nuptial.
HERO I talk'd with no man at that hour, my lord.
DON PEDRO Why, then are you no maiden. Leonato,
I am sorry you must hear: upon mine honour,
Myself, my brother and this grieved count
Did see her, hear her, at that hour last night
Talk with a ruffian at her chamber-window
Who hath indeed, most like a liberal villain, Confess'd the vile encounters they have had A thousand times in secret.
DON JOHN Fie, fie! they are not to be named, my lord,
Not to be spoke of;
There is not chastity enough in language
Without offence to utter them. Thus, pretty lady,
I am sorry for thy much misgovernment.
[HERO swoons]
BEATRICE Why, how now, cousin! wherefore sink you down?
DON JOHN Come, let us go. These things, come thus to light,
Smother her spirits up.
[Exeunt DON PEDRO, DON JOHN, and CLAUDIO]
BENEDICK How doth the lady?
BEATRICE Dead, I think. Help, uncle!
Hero! why, Hero! Uncle! Signior Benedick! Friar!
BEATRICE How now, cousin Hero!
BENEDICK Sir, sir, be patient.
For my part, I am so attired in wonder,
I know not what to say.
BEATRICE O, on my soul, my cousin is belied!
BENEDICK Lady, were you her bedfellow last night?
BEATRICE No, truly not; although, until last night,
I have this twelvemonth been her bedfellow.
FRIAR FRANCIS Hear me a little; for I have only been
Silent so long and given way unto
This course of fortune [ ]
By noting of the lady I have mark'd
A thousand blushing apparitions
To start into her face, a thousand innocent shames
In angel whiteness beat away those blushes;
And in her eye there hath appear'd a fire,
To burn the errors that these princes hold
Against her maiden truth. Call me a fool;
Trust not my reading nor my observations,
Which with experimental seal doth warrant
The tenor of my book; trust not my age,
My reverence, calling, nor divinity,
If this sweet lady lie not guiltless here
Under some biting error.
FRIAR FRANCIS There is some strange misprision in the princes.
BENEDICK Two of them have the very bent of honour;
And if their wisdoms be misled in this,
The practise of it lives in John the bastard,
Whose spirits toil in frame of villanies.
And let my counsel sway you in this case.
Your daughter here the princes left for dead: Let her awhile be secretly kept in,
And publish it that she is dead indeed;
Maintain a mourning ostentation
And on your family's old monument
Hang mournful epitaphs and do all rites
That appertain unto a burial.
Change slander to remorse; that is some good: But not for that dream I on this strange course, But on this travail look for greater birth. She dying, as it must so be maintain'd,
Upon the instant that she was accused,
Shall be lamented, pitied and excused
Of every hearer: for it so falls out
That what we have we prize not to the worth Whiles we enjoy it, but being lack'd and lost, Why, then we rack the value, then we find
The virtue that possession would not show us Whiles it was ours. So will it fare with Claudio: When he shall hear she died upon his words, The idea of her life shall sweetly creep
Into his study of imagination,
And every lovely organ of her life
Shall come apparell'd in more precious habit, More moving-delicate and full of life,
Into the eye and prospect of his soul,
Than when she lived indeed; then shall he mourn, If ever love had interest in his liver,
And wish he had not so accused her,
No, though he thought his accusation true.
Let this be so, and doubt not but success
Will fashion the event in better shape
Than I can lay it down in likelihood.
But if all aim but this be levell'd false,
The supposition of the lady's death
Will quench the wonder of her infamy:
And if it sort not well, you may conceal her, As best befits her wounded reputation,
In some reclusive and religious life,
Out of all eyes, tongues, minds and injuries.
BENEDICK Signior Leonato, let the friar advise you:
And though you know my inwardness and love
Is very much unto the prince and Claudio,
Yet, by mine honour, I will deal in this
As secretly and justly as your soul
Should with your body.
For to strange sores strangely they strain the cure. Come, lady, die to live: this wedding-day
Perhaps is but prolong'd: have patience and endure.
[Exeunt all but BENEDICK and BEATRICE]
BENEDICK Lady Beatrice, have you wept all this while?
BEATRICE Yea, and I will weep a while longer.
BENEDICK I will not desire that.
BEATRICE You have no reason; I do it freely.
BENEDICK Surely I do believe your fair cousin is wronged.
BEATRICE Ah, how much might the man deserve of me that would right her!
BENEDICK Is there any way to show such friendship?
BEATRICE A very even way, but no such friend.
BENEDICK May a man do it?
BEATRICE It is a man's office, but not yours.
BENEDICK I do love nothing in the world so well as you: is
not that strange?
BEATRICE As strange as the thing I know not. It were as
possible for me to say I loved nothing so well as
you: but believe me not; and yet I lie not; I
confess nothing, nor I deny nothing. I am sorry for my cousin.
BENEDICK By my sword, Beatrice, thou lovest me.
BEATRICE Do not swear, and eat it.
BENEDICK I will swear by it that you love me; and I will make
him eat it that says I love not you.
BEATRICE Will you not eat your word?
BENEDICK With no sauce that can be devised to it. I protest
I love thee.
BEATRICE Why, then, God forgive me!
BENEDICK What offence, sweet Beatrice?
BEATRICE You have stayed me in a happy hour: I was about to
protest I loved you.
BENEDICK And do it with all thy heart.
BEATRICE I love you with so much of my heart that none is
left to protest.
BENEDICK Come, bid me do any thing for thee.
BEATRICE Kill Claudio.
BENEDICK Ha! not for the wide world.
BEATRICE You kill me to deny it. Farewell.
BENEDICK Tarry, sweet Beatrice.
BEATRICE I am gone, though I am here: there is no love in
you: nay, I pray you, let me go.
BENEDICK Beatrice,--
BEATRICE In faith, I will go.
BENEDICK We'll be friends first.
BEATRICE You dare easier be friends with me than fight with mine enemy.
BENEDICK Is Claudio thine enemy?
BEATRICE Is he not approved in the height a villain, that
hath slandered, scorned, dishonoured my kinswoman? O
that I were a man! What, bear her in hand until they
come to take hands; and then, with public
accusation, uncovered slander, unmitigated rancour,
--O God, that I were a man! I would eat his heart in the market-place.
BENEDICK Hear me, Beatrice,--
BEATRICE Talk with a man out at a window! A proper saying!
BENEDICK Nay, but, Beatrice,--
BEATRICE Sweet Hero! She is wronged, she is slandered, she is undone.
BENEDICK Beat--
BEATRICE Princes and counties! Surely, a princely testimony,
a goodly count, Count Comfect; a sweet gallant,
surely! O that I were a man for his sake! or that I
had any friend would be a man for my sake! But
manhood is melted into courtesies, valour into
compliment, and men are only turned into tongue, and trim ones too: he is now as valiant as Hercules that only tells a lie and swears it. I cannot be a man with wishing, therefore I will die a woman with grieving.
BENEDICK Tarry, good Beatrice. By this hand, I love thee.
BEATRICE Use it for my love some other way than swearing by it.
BENEDICK Think you in your soul the Count Claudio hath wronged Hero?
BEATRICE Yea, as sure as I have a thought or a soul.
BENEDICK Enough, I am engaged; I will challenge him. I will
kiss your hand, and so I leave you. By this hand,
Claudio shall render me a dear account. As you
hear of me, so think of me. Go, comfort your
cousin: I must say she is dead: and so, farewell.
[Exeunt]
MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING
SCENE II A prison.
[Enter DOGBERRY, VERGES, and Sexton, in gowns; and the Watch, with CONRADE and BORACHIO]
DOGBERRY Is our whole dissembly appeared?
DOGBERRY Marry, that am I and my partner.
DOGBERRY Yea, marry, let them come before me. What is your
name, friend?
BORACHIO Borachio.
DOGBERRY Pray, write down, Borachio. Yours, sirrah?
CONRADE I am a gentleman, sir, and my name is Conrade.
DOGBERRY Write down, master gentleman Conrade. Masters, do
you serve God?
BORACHIO |
DOGBERRY Write down, that they hope they serve God: and
write God first; for God defend but God should go
before such villains! Masters, it is proved already
that you are little better than false knaves; and it
will go near to be thought so shortly. How answer
you for yourselves?
DOGBERRY A marvellous witty fellow, I assure you: but I
will go about with him. Come you hither, sirrah; a
word in your ear: sir, I say to you, it is thought
you are false knaves.
BORACHIO Sir, I say to you we are none.
DOGBERRY Well, stand aside. 'Fore God, they are both in a
tale. Have you writ down, that they are none?
DOGBERRY Yea, marry, that's the eftest way. Let the watch
come forth. Masters, I charge you, in the prince's
name, accuse these men.
First Watchman This man said, sir, that Don John, the prince's
brother, was a villain.
DOGBERRY Write down Prince John a villain. Why, this is flat
perjury, to call a prince's brother villain.
BORACHIO Master constable,--
DOGBERRY Pray thee, fellow, peace: I do not like thy look,
I promise thee.
Sexton What heard you him say else?
Don John for accusing the Lady Hero wrongfully.
DOGBERRY Flat burglary as ever was committed.
disgrace Hero before the whole assembly. and not marry her.
DOGBERRY O villain! thou wilt be condemned into everlasting
redemption for this.
Sexton What else?
Watchman This is all.
[Exit]
DOGBERRY Come, let them be opinioned.
DOGBERRY God's my life, where's the sexton? let him write
down the prince's officer coxcomb. Come, bind them.
Thou naughty varlet!
CONRADE Away! you are an ass, you are an ass.
DOGBERRY Dost thou not suspect my place? dost thou not
suspect my years? O that he were here to write me
down an ass! But, masters, remember that I am an
ass; though it be not written down, yet forget not
that I am an ass. No, thou villain, thou art full of
piety, as shall be proved upon thee by good witness. I am a wise fellow, and, which is more, an officer, and, which is more, a householder, and, which is more, as pretty a piece of flesh as any is in Messina, and one that knows the law, go to; and a rich fellow enough, go to; and a fellow that hath had losses, and one that hath two gowns and every thing handsome about him. Bring him away. O that I had been writ down an ass!
[Exeunt]
MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING
[Enter LEONATO and ANTONIO]
LEONATO I pray thee, cease thy counsel,
Which falls into mine ears as profitless
As water in a sieve: give not me counsel;
Nor let no comforter delight mine ear
But such a one whose wrongs do suit with mine.
Bring me a father that so loved his child,
Whose joy of her is overwhelm'd like mine,
And bid him speak of patience;
Measure his woe the length and breadth of mine And let it answer every strain for strain,
As thus for thus and such a grief for such, In every lineament, branch, shape, and form: If such a one will smile and stroke his beard, Bid sorrow wag, cry 'hem!' when he should groan, Patch grief with proverbs, make misfortune drunk With candle-wasters; bring him yet to me,
And I of him will gather patience.
But there is no such man: for, brother, men Can counsel and speak comfort to that grief Which they themselves not feel; but, tasting it, Their counsel turns to passion, which before Would give preceptial medicine to rage,
Fetter strong madness in a silken thread,
Charm ache with air and agony with words:
No, no; 'tis all men's office to speak patience To those that wring under the load of sorrow, But no man's virtue nor sufficiency
To be so moral when he shall endure
The like himself. Therefore give me no counsel: My griefs cry louder than advertisement.
[Enter DON PEDRO and CLAUDIO]
DON PEDRO Good den, good den.
DON PEDRO We have some haste, Leonato.
DON PEDRO Nay, do not quarrel with us, good old man.
CLAUDIO Marry, beshrew my hand,
If it should give your age such cause of fear:
In faith, my hand meant nothing to my sword.
LEONATO Thine, Claudio; thine, I say. DON PEDRO You say not right, old man.
DON PEDRO Gentlemen both, we will not wake your patience.
My heart is sorry for your daughter's death:
But, on my honour, she was charged with nothing
But what was true and very full of proof.
LEONATO My lord, my lord,--
DON PEDRO I will not hear you.
[Exeunt LEONATO and ANTONIO]
DON PEDRO See, see; here comes the man we went to seek.
[Enter BENEDICK]
BENEDICK Good day, my lord.
DON PEDRO Welcome, signior: you are almost come to part
almost a fray.
DON PEDRO Leonato and his brother. What thinkest thou? Had
we fought, I doubt we should have been too young for them.
BENEDICK In a false quarrel there is no true valour. I came
to seek you both.
BENEDICK It is in my scabbard: shall I draw it? DON PEDRO Dost thou wear thy wit by thy side?
DON PEDRO As I am an honest man, he looks pale. Art thou
sick, or angry?
BENEDICK Sir, I shall meet your wit in the career, and you
charge it against me. I pray you choose another subject.
DON PEDRO By this light, he changes more and more: I think
he be angry indeed.
CLAUDIO If he be, he knows how to turn his girdle.
BENEDICK Shall I speak a word in your ear?
CLAUDIO God bless me from a challenge!
BENEDICK [Aside to CLAUDIO] You are a villain; I jest not:
I will make it good how you dare, with what you
dare, and when you dare. Do me right, or I will
protest your cowardice. You have killed a sweet
lady, and her death shall fall heavy on you. Let me
hear from you.
DON PEDRO What, a feast, a feast?
BENEDICK Sir, your wit ambles well; it goes easily.
DON PEDRO I'll tell thee how Beatrice praised thy wit the
other day. I said, thou hadst a fine wit: 'True,'
said she, 'a fine little one.' 'No,' said I, 'a
great wit:' 'Right,' says she, 'a great gross one.'
'Nay,' said I, 'a good wit:' 'Just,' said she, 'it
hurts nobody.' 'Nay,' said I, 'the gentleman is wise:' 'Certain,' said she, 'a wise gentleman.' 'Nay,' said I, 'he hath the tongues:' 'That I believe,' said she, 'for he swore a thing to me on Monday night, which he forswore on Tuesday morning; there's a double tongue; there's two tongues.' Thus did she, an hour together, transshape thy particular virtues: yet at last she concluded with a sigh, thou wast the properest man in Italy.
DON PEDRO Yea, that she did: but yet, for all that, an if she
did not hate him deadly, she would love him dearly:
the old man's daughter told us all.
DON PEDRO But when shall we set the savage bull's horns on
the sensible Benedick's head?
BENEDICK Fare you well, boy: you know my mind. I will leave
you now to your gossip-like humour: you break jests
as braggarts do their blades, which God be thanked,
hurt not. My lord, for your many courtesies I thank
you: I must discontinue your company: your brother
the bastard is fled from Messina: you have among you killed a sweet and innocent lady. For my Lord Lackbeard there, he and I shall meet: and, till then, peace be with him.
[Exit]
DON PEDRO He is in earnest.
DON PEDRO And hath challenged thee.
CLAUDIO Most sincerely.
DON PEDRO What a pretty thing man is when he goes in his
doublet and hose and leaves off his wit!
DON PEDRO But, soft you, let me be: pluck up, my heart, and
be sad. Did he not say, my brother was fled?
[Enter DOGBERRY, VERGES, and the Watch, with CONRADE and BORACHIO]
DOGBERRY Come you, sir: if justice cannot tame you, she
shall ne'er weigh more reasons in her balance: nay,
an you be a cursing hypocrite once, you must be looked to.
DON PEDRO How now? two of my brother's men bound! Borachio
one!
CLAUDIO Hearken after their offence, my lord.
DON PEDRO Officers, what offence have these men done?
DOGBERRY Marry, sir, they have committed false report;
moreover, they have spoken untruths; secondarily,
they are slanders; sixth and lastly, they have
belied a lady; thirdly, they have verified unjust
things; and, to conclude, they are lying knaves.
DON PEDRO First, I ask thee what they have done; thirdly, I
ask thee what's their offence; sixth and lastly, why
they are committed; and, to conclude, what you lay
to their charge.
DON PEDRO Who have you offended, masters, that you are thus
bound to your answer? this learned constable is
too cunning to be understood: what's your offence?
BORACHIO Sweet prince, let me go no farther to mine answer:
do you hear me, and let this count kill me. I have
deceived even your very eyes: what your wisdoms
could not discover, these shallow fools have brought
to light: who in the night overheard me confessing
to this man how Don John your brother incensed me to slander the Lady Hero, how you were brought into the orchard and saw me court Margaret in Hero's garments, how you disgraced her, when you should marry her: my villany they have upon record; which I had rather seal with my death than repeat over to my shame. The lady is dead upon mine and my master's false accusation; and, briefly, I desire nothing but the reward of a villain.
DON PEDRO Runs not this speech like iron through your blood?
CLAUDIO I have drunk poison whiles he utter'd it.
DON PEDRO But did my brother set thee on to this?
BORACHIO Yea, and paid me richly for the practise of it.
DON PEDRO He is composed and framed of treachery:
And fled he is upon this villany.
DOGBERRY Come, bring away the plaintiffs: by this time our
sexton hath reformed Signior Leonato of the matter:
and, masters, do not forget to specify, when time
and place shall serve, that I am an ass.
[Re-enter LEONATO and ANTONIO, with the Sexton]
BORACHIO If you would know your wronger, look on me.
BORACHIO Yea, even I alone.
DON PEDRO By my soul, nor I:
And yet, to satisfy this good old man,
I would bend under any heavy weight
That he'll enjoin me to.
BORACHIO No, by my soul, she was not,
Nor knew not what she did when she spoke to me,
But always hath been just and virtuous
In any thing that I do know by her.
DOGBERRY Moreover, sir, which indeed is not under white and
black, this plaintiff here, the offender, did call
me ass: I beseech you, let it be remembered in his
punishment. And also, the watch heard them talk of
one Deformed: they say be wears a key in his ear and
a lock hanging by it, and borrows money in God's name, the which he hath used so long and never paid that now men grow hard-hearted and will lend nothing for God's sake: pray you, examine him upon that point.
DOGBERRY Your worship speaks like a most thankful and
reverend youth; and I praise God for you.
LEONATO There's for thy pains.
DOGBERRY God save the foundation!
LEONATO Go, I discharge thee of thy prisoner, and I thank thee.
DOGBERRY I leave an arrant knave with your worship; which I
beseech your worship to correct yourself, for the
example of others. God keep your worship! I wish
your worship well; God restore you to health! I
humbly give you leave to depart; and if a merry
meeting may be wished, God prohibit it! Come, neighbour.
[Exeunt DOGBERRY and VERGES]
DON PEDRO We will not fail. CLAUDIO To-night I'll mourn with Hero.
[Exeunt, severally]
MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING
SCENE II LEONATO'S garden.
[Enter BENEDICK and MARGARET, meeting]
BENEDICK Pray thee, sweet Mistress Margaret, deserve well at
my hands by helping me to the speech of Beatrice.
MARGARET Will you then write me a sonnet in praise of my beauty?
BENEDICK In so high a style, Margaret, that no man living
shall come over it; for, in most comely truth, thou
deservest it.
MARGARET To have no man come over me! why, shall I always
keep below stairs?
BENEDICK Thy wit is as quick as the greyhound's mouth; it catches.
MARGARET And yours as blunt as the fencer's foils, which hit,
but hurt not.
BENEDICK A most manly wit, Margaret; it will not hurt a
woman: and so, I pray thee, call Beatrice: I give
thee the bucklers.
MARGARET Give us the swords; we have bucklers of our own.
BENEDICK If you use them, Margaret, you must put in the
pikes with a vice; and they are dangerous weapons for maids.
MARGARET Well, I will call Beatrice to you, who I think hath legs.
BENEDICK And therefore will come.
[Exit MARGARET]
[Sings]
The god of love,
That sits above,
And knows me, and knows me,
How pitiful I deserve,--
I mean in singing; but in loving, Leander the good swimmer, Troilus the first employer of panders, and a whole bookful of these quondam carpet-mangers, whose names yet run smoothly in the even road of a blank verse, why, they were never so truly turned over and over as my poor self in love. Marry, I cannot show it in rhyme; I have tried: I can find out no rhyme to 'lady' but 'baby,' an innocent rhyme; for 'scorn,' 'horn,' a hard rhyme; for, 'school,' 'fool,' a babbling rhyme; very ominous endings: no, I was not born under a rhyming planet, nor I cannot woo in festival terms.
[Enter BEATRICE]
Sweet Beatrice, wouldst thou come when I called thee?
BEATRICE Yea, signior, and depart when you bid me.
BENEDICK O, stay but till then!
BEATRICE 'Then' is spoken; fare you well now: and yet, ere
I go, let me go with that I came; which is, with
knowing what hath passed between you and Claudio.
BENEDICK Only foul words; and thereupon I will kiss thee.
BEATRICE Foul words is but foul wind, and foul wind is but
foul breath, and foul breath is noisome; therefore I
will depart unkissed.
BENEDICK Thou hast frighted the word out of his right sense,
so forcible is thy wit. But I must tell thee
plainly, Claudio undergoes my challenge; and either
I must shortly hear from him, or I will subscribe
him a coward. And, I pray thee now, tell me for
which of my bad parts didst thou first fall in love with me?
BEATRICE For them all together; which maintained so politic
a state of evil that they will not admit any good
part to intermingle with them. But for which of my
good parts did you first suffer love for me?
BENEDICK Suffer love! a good epithet! I do suffer love
indeed, for I love thee against my will.
BEATRICE In spite of your heart, I think; alas, poor heart!
If you spite it for my sake, I will spite it for
yours; for I will never love that which my friend hates.
BENEDICK Thou and I are too wise to woo peaceably.
BEATRICE It appears not in this confession: there's not one
wise man among twenty that will praise himself.
BENEDICK An old, an old instance, Beatrice, that lived in
the lime of good neighbours. If a man do not erect
in this age his own tomb ere he dies, he shall live
no longer in monument than the bell rings and the
widow weeps.
BEATRICE And how long is that, think you?
BENEDICK Question: why, an hour in clamour and a quarter in
rheum: therefore is it most expedient for the
wise, if Don Worm, his conscience, find no
impediment to the contrary, to be the trumpet of his
own virtues, as I am to myself. So much for
praising myself, who, I myself will bear witness, is praiseworthy: and now tell me, how doth your cousin?
BEATRICE Very ill.
BENEDICK And how do you?
BEATRICE Very ill too.
BENEDICK Serve God, love me and mend. There will I leave
you too, for here comes one in haste.
[Enter URSULA]
BEATRICE Will you go hear this news, signior?
BENEDICK I will live in thy heart, die in thy lap, and be
buried in thy eyes; and moreover I will go with
thee to thy uncle's.
[Exeunt]
MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING
SCENE III A church.
[Enter DON PEDRO, CLAUDIO, and three or four with tapers]
Now, music, sound, and sing your solemn hymn. SONG.
Pardon, goddess of the night,
Those that slew thy virgin knight;
For the which, with songs of woe,
Round about her tomb they go.
Midnight, assist our moan;
Help us to sigh and groan,
Heavily, heavily:
Graves, yawn and yield your dead,
Till death be uttered,
Heavily, heavily.
CLAUDIO Now, unto thy bones good night!
Yearly will I do this rite.
DON PEDRO Good morrow, masters; put your torches out:
The wolves have prey'd; and look, the gentle day,
Before the wheels of Phoebus, round about
Dapples the drowsy east with spots of grey.
Thanks to you all, and leave us: fare you well.
CLAUDIO Good morrow, masters: each his several way.
DON PEDRO Come, let us hence, and put on other weeds;
And then to Leonato's we will go.
[Exeunt]
MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING
SCENE IV A room in LEONATO'S house.
[Enter LEONATO, ANTONIO, BENEDICK, BEATRICE, MARGARET, URSULA, FRIAR FRANCIS, and HERO]
BENEDICK And so am I, being else by faith enforced
To call young Claudio to a reckoning for it.
[Exeunt Ladies]
The prince and Claudio promised by this hour To visit me. You know your office, brother: You must be father to your brother's daughter And give her to young Claudio.
BENEDICK Friar, I must entreat your pains, I think.
FRIAR FRANCIS To do what, signior?
BENEDICK To bind me, or undo me; one of them.
Signior Leonato, truth it is, good signior,
Your niece regards me with an eye of favour.
LEONATO That eye my daughter lent her: 'tis most true.
BENEDICK And I do with an eye of love requite her.
BENEDICK Your answer, sir, is enigmatical:
But, for my will, my will is your good will
May stand with ours, this day to be conjoin'd
In the state of honourable marriage:
In which, good friar, I shall desire your help.
LEONATO My heart is with your liking.
Here comes the prince and Claudio.
[Enter DON PEDRO and CLAUDIO, and two or
three others]
DON PEDRO Good morrow to this fair assembly.
[Exit ANTONIO]
DON PEDRO Good morrow, Benedick. Why, what's the matter,
That you have such a February face,
So full of frost, of storm and cloudiness?
BENEDICK Bull Jove, sir, had an amiable low;
And some such strange bull leap'd your father's cow,
And got a calf in that same noble feat
Much like to you, for you have just his bleat.
CLAUDIO For this I owe you: here comes other reckonings.
[Re-enter ANTONIO, with the Ladies masked]
Which is the lady I must seize upon?
[Unmasking]
And when you loved, you were my other husband.
HERO Nothing certainer:
One Hero died defiled, but I do live,
And surely as I live, I am a maid.
DON PEDRO The former Hero! Hero that is dead!
When after that the holy rites are ended,
I'll tell you largely of fair Hero's death: Meantime let wonder seem familiar,
And to the chapel let us presently.
BENEDICK Soft and fair, friar. Which is Beatrice?
BEATRICE [Unmasking] I answer to that name. What is your will?
BENEDICK Do not you love me?
BEATRICE Why, no; no more than reason.
BENEDICK Why, then your uncle and the prince and Claudio
Have been deceived; they swore you did.
BEATRICE Do not you love me?
BENEDICK Troth, no; no more than reason.
BEATRICE Why, then my cousin Margaret and Ursula
Are much deceived; for they did swear you did.
BENEDICK They swore that you were almost sick for me.
BEATRICE They swore that you were well-nigh dead for me.
BENEDICK 'Tis no such matter. Then you do not love me?
BEATRICE No, truly, but in friendly recompense.
BENEDICK A miracle! here's our own hands against our hearts.
Come, I will have thee; but, by this light, I take
thee for pity.
BEATRICE I would not deny you; but, by this good day, I yield
upon great persuasion; and partly to save your life,
for I was told you were in a consumption.
BENEDICK Peace! I will stop your mouth.
[Kissing her]
DON PEDRO How dost thou, Benedick, the married man?
BENEDICK I'll tell thee what, prince; a college of
wit-crackers cannot flout me out of my humour. Dost
thou think I care for a satire or an epigram? No:
if a man will be beaten with brains, a' shall wear
nothing handsome about him. In brief, since I do
purpose to marry, I will think nothing to any purpose that the world can say against it; and therefore never flout at me for what I have said against it; for man is a giddy thing, and this is my conclusion. For thy part, Claudio, I did think to have beaten thee, but in that thou art like to be my kinsman, live unbruised and love my cousin.
BENEDICK Come, come, we are friends: let's have a dance ere
we are married, that we may lighten our own hearts
and our wives' heels.
LEONATO We'll have dancing afterward.
BENEDICK First, of my word; therefore play, music. Prince,
thou art sad; get thee a wife, get thee a wife:
there is no staff more reverend than one tipped with horn.
[Enter a Messenger]
Messenger My lord, your brother John is ta'en in flight,
And brought with armed men back to Messina.
BENEDICK Think not on him till to-morrow:
I'll devise thee brave punishments for him.
Strike up, pipers.
[Dance]
[Exeunt]