Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station
in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant, who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. "Top of the morning' to yer sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are tose?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well what on God's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving" says Tiger.

"Fook me!" says the Irishman. BMW tinks of everything."

Bush and a secret service agent are taking a stroll when they come upon a
little girl carrying a basket with a blanket over it. Curious, Bush asks the girl,
"What's in the basket?"

"New baby kittens," she replies, and opens the basket to show him.

"How nice," says Bush. "What kind are they?"

"Republicans," says the little girl.

Bush smiles, pats the little girl on the head and continues on.

Three weeks later, Bush is taking another stroll, this time with Karl Rove.
They see the little girl with the basket, and Bush says, "Watch this, Karl ---
it's really cute."

They approach the little girl. Bush greets her and asks how the kittens are
doing. "Fine," she says.

Smirking, he nudges Rove and asks the little girl, "And what kind of kittens
are they?"

"Democrats," she replies.

Aghast, Bush sputters, "But three weeks ago you said they were Republicans!"

"They were," she says. "But now their eyes are open."

the second is a joke about politics,funny.but i think republician don't like your joke

__________________
Let me sing a song,the old song
i sing slightly,you echo slowly
can you remember the past dream
and the hopeful brilliant days
we passed toil for our ideal
we once cried
and smiled together
i wish you can rember forever
we once had shining days

Things you must believe to be a Republican (Didn't know exactly where to put this)

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush, Sr. made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when "W" needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iran/q

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism. HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is a impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

Unwaivering support of "Executive Privilege" for every Republican ever born, who will be born or who might be born (in perpetuity).

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

Steadfast support of hunters who shoot their friends and blame them for wearing orange vests similar to those worn by the quail.

Wow, that was just hilarious. I nearly laughed.

Matt

some one make up this joke
Bill gates and his wife had a good time in their honeymood.when they back to US,newsman interview this couple:Mrs Gates,how do you like bill?
her answer is short:Mircro and soft

__________________
Let me sing a song,the old song
i sing slightly,you echo slowly
can you remember the past dream
and the hopeful brilliant days
we passed toil for our ideal
we once cried
and smiled together
i wish you can rember forever
we once had shining days

here, try this:

An elderly Ukrainian man lay dying in his bed. While
suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the
aroma of his favorite Ukrainian perogies with fried onions wafting
up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from
the bed.

Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled
downstairs.

Downstairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into
the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have thought
himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper
on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favourite perogies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his
wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy
man?

He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in
a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of
the perogies was already in his mouth.

With a trembling hand he reached for a perogie at the edge
of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by
his wife.

"Fuck off." she said. "They're for the funeral."

__________________
Want government run healthcare? Join the military.

When you have an "I Hate My Job Day", try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer
section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very
sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the
curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into
very comfortable clothing and sit in your favourite chair, open the package
and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface
so that it will not become chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature and read it carefully.
You will notice that in small print there is a statement, "Every rectal
thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested".

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: "I am so glad I do not
work in thermometer quality control at Johnson & Johnson."

__________________
"You know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you would do for a Klondike bar." - Unknown

"What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad." - Dave Barry

1) Proof that Republicans hate homosexuals?

2) What's wrong with teaching both evolution and creationism?

3) Hey, people like you give the Kennedy's free passes...

4) A Kennedy again. One just got out of rehab after crashing a car, right?

5) Hunting accidents happen. It's the nature of the sport.

__________________






"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"

*shakes head*

I could have sworn this was a joke thread. I guess next time I'll make sure there are jokes within before I post anything joke like.

So two gay republicans walk into a bar in Utah......never mind.

__________________
"You know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you would do for a Klondike bar." - Unknown

"What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad." - Dave Barry

I deleted my post! Tell me the joke! please!

*runs around histerically*

__________________
Client: In six days, do you hear me, six days, God made the world. And you are not bloody well capable of making me a pair of trousers in three months!
Tailor: But my dear Sir, my dear Sir, look at the world, and look at my trousers.
(Beckett)

HA!

__________________
“If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.” - Carl Sagan

Remember to submit your nominations for the U.S. Politics Online Alternative Awards!

Okay, okay! Forgive me, please!!!!! Sorry for the commentary but that particular joke was about as stupid as they come so I had to say something!!!!!!


Here's my joke du jour. (Considering my hate for algebra, I thought it was funny.)

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult, "Gonzales said. They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value.

They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as unknowns, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

__________________






"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"

You just can't leave the Kennedys out of this, can you!?

Funny joke, though.

__________________
“If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.” - Carl Sagan

Remember to submit your nominations for the U.S. Politics Online Alternative Awards!

Is that you in the middle?

__________________
"You know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you would do for a Klondike bar." - Unknown

"What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad." - Dave Barry